Authenticity gets extremely over-used and mis-used out there in the world. Ironically, I find this deeply inauthentic and it really upsets me!
If you’re reading this, you probably think of yourself as authentic, real, grounded, true and genuine. Me too. And yet…
You didn’t tell the whole truth to that person the other day, did you? Because you were being kind? Me too.
You didn’t do that thing that you really wanted to do, did you? Because it would have been a bit selfish? Me too.
And sometimes, in certain situations, you do the opposite to what you’ve done in another situation, don’t you? Because…well…it’s the right thing to do. Me too.
Were we being inauthentic? I say, absolutely not, because at its essence…
Authenticity, by its very nature, is incredibly inconsistent.
Yes, I’m saying to you that if you really are, genuinely and truly authentic, then you are also inconsistent in your application of this. The reason?
VALUES.
We all have them. No offense, but most people don’t know their true values, just the ones they think of when asked, or ones they picked from a list of 100 words when they did in a little guided exercise one day. Your true values can be found through some deeper work, but either way, they are seen and felt through your actions and behaviours.
So why would our values create inconsistency in our actions and behaviours?
I’m glad you ask! I’ll use an example I heard last year of how values drive authenticity…
A divorced couple have a comprehensive parenting agreement to manage custody of their children. Whilst it eliminates most arguments, they still happen. Sometimes, the more grounded, authentic and evolved partner will push back hard on something that doesn’t align with their way of doing things. Other times, they just swallow their frustration and say nothing to keep the peace. Why the difference? Shouldn’t they simply speak their mind in every situation?
The answer lies in the effect on the children. The first thing is a disagreement between the parents, which the children don’t see or need to be involved with. The second is something with which the children will be aware of the disagreement and distressed at knowing their parents are in conflict. The second situation required inaction, despite the frustration, literally ‘for the sake of the kids’.
These are values in action. The evolved partner has the values of:
- Justice
- Freedom
- Love
- Collaboration
- Connection
- Growth
When it doesn’t affect the children’s stress levels, Justice, Freedom and a devotion to personal Growth are the top three values being enacted, so the evolved partner speaks out with vehemence. The dominant values are driving the authentic action. However, when the kids stress levels can be more affected, then Love and Connection are the values at the number one and two position, meaning the authentic action was the opposite, and silence was needed.
Opposite actions, but still authentic. Values decide the authentic action. Authenticity remains.
Isn’t it fascinating?! Truly authentic people are going to be inconsistent at times, and that’s okay! The ocean is still the ocean on a calm day or in a thunderstorm. The circumstances just create a different expression of its essence. But we don’t criticise it for that. In fact, we celebrate the beauty of the ocean in all its phases.
Before finishing I want to deal with something I heard recently which was suggestive that people shouldn’t be authentic. They should simply be consistent. The argument goes that employers want consistency from their employees and don’t want them being honest about how they feel on any given day, or no-show at a meeting because they don’t feel like it, or dress inappropriately etc.
Similarly, friends don’t want someone selfishly dictating how the relationship functions, where you meet, what you do etc, based on their friend being their ‘authentic self’. And how awful if they tell you what they really think of your partner or how you’ve got father issues, or think your haircut makes you look like a serial killer.
To me, this anti-authenticity narrative is both absurd and flawed. Firstly, we choose employees and we choose friends. Much as we think we’re choosing based on credentials or background, we’re actually choosing on feel. How do we feel about this person for this role in our life? Their behaviours will be the ‘tells’ about their values.
So, if you’re an employee and you value your job, and the way you conduct yourself is strongly dictated by the values you hold, whilst at work, your values around hard work, efficacy, mastery etc will be to the fore. You won’t be ‘that’ person who’s just doing whatever they want to do because “ya know man, it’s how I roll”. And if you are, then that’s a mismatch in employment role and your values. You may need to look at different employment. I suggest megastar, so you can act however you want in all circumstances – see how that works out for you.
As you might gather by now, I’m keen to make the point that being authentic is not the same as being selfish, self-centred or narcissistic.
To return to my point, at work, the order of your values is different to when you’re with your best friends.
Speaking of which, friendship has its own set of implicit values around empathy, honesty, support and so on. Therefore, they come to the fore in your relationship. Complete openness and honesty might fall down the list in certain circumstances because of your love for your friend and supporting them is more important than sharing your own opinions, based on how you like to do things.
People on the opposite sides of the covid debate who remained firm friends weren’t being inauthentic. The friendship simply mattered more than a disagreement over a single issue. For those that didn’t remain friends, the opposing views threatened the others highest values, beyond friendship, and the relationships failed. That’s authenticity in action on both counts.
However, to suggest you can’t be authentic and a great employee or great friend, purely based on the idea that being authentic inherently makes you inconsistent at performing those roles is, well… Rubbish! I would argue we are better employees and better friends provided the values that drive us are those that either you possess, or those you need in your world from someone else.
Congratulations if you’re now asking:
“Hang on, didn’t you say at the start that authenticity is inherently inconsistent, so why are you now arguing the opposite?”
Well done. See what I did there?
Be you. JP